Opvoeden is onmogelijk

Een week nadat ik de eerste lemming eruit had geperst in 2008 werden mij al een paar dingen pijnlijk duidelijk over het moederschap. Op het moment dat ik alleen kwam te staan met twee mini lemmings leerde ik er een hoop levenslessen bij.

Ik zal je eerst een feit geven en hem daarna voor je opsplitsen. Let op dit is een behoorlijk lang artikel, dus pak een kopje thee of een glas wijn. (ik zeg wijn, cheers)

Opvoeden is een onmogelijke taak.

Laat je idealen los en go with the flow.

“In mijn huiskamer zal geen speelgoed komen” “Elke dag gezond vers eten” “Niet meer dan een half uur tv” “Niemand schreeuwt in mijn huis” “Deuren slaan? Hoe kom je erbij!”

Ik lach mijzelf helemaal kapot dat ik er ooit zo in ben gegaan. Are you shitting me? Als ik mijzelf kon toespreken op dat moment had ik alleen maar mijzelf staan uitlachen.

Elke dag is anders met kinderen, of je er nu 1, 2 of 5 hebt. Het ene moment is er rust en kom je aan alles toe, het andere moment ben je zo dankbaar dat je 10 minuten kan zitten dat het speelgoed in je huiskamer je helemaal niets interesseert.

Omkopen wordt het gouden middel

Ook iets wat niet in mijn idealen zat. Het werkt zo goed. De feestdagen zijn ook zo mooi hiervoor.

  • Zwarte piet hoort alles.
  • De tandenfee kan je kussen niet eens vinden in je kamertje.
  • Als je dit doet mag je straks nog even tv kijken.
  • Als je zo braaf luistert bij de dokter krijg je een cadeautje.
  • Wil je een sticker verdienen?
  • En nu klaar, geef elkaar een handje, zeg sorry en dan krijgen jullie zo een snoepje.

Ik geloof wel meer in positief belonen dan dreigen maar ik heb meer dan eens de zinnen gebruikt. “anders ga je zo maar naar bed” of “zo mag je geen tv kijken”

Stilte is het mooiste en engste geluid van de wereld.

Kinderen maken herrie en geluid, heel veel trouwens. Als je een baby horen huilen al erg vindt probeer dan maar eens 2 kinderen die ruzie hebben met elkaar. Daarnaast houd ik heel veel van mijn kinderen maar soms wordt ik helemaal gek van de gesprekken onderling, de gesprekken tussen ons, de liedjes en kinderstemmen. Ze houden overdag nooit op.

Weet je nog dat moment dat je niet kon wachten op het eerste woordje? Of zo trots was op die eerste zin? Het feit dat je langzaam met ze een gesprek kon gaan voeren? 

Ze houden nu nooit meer op.

Als je ze dan eenmaal in bed hebt kun je intens, intens genieten van stilte. Gewoon helemaal even uit gaan of even kunnen nadenken over belangrijke zaken in het leven. Zoals bijvoorbeeld; hoe humaan zou het zijn om kinder keelbandjes door te knippen?

Dat gezegd hebbende,

ALS je kinderen plotseling overdag heel stil zijn en ze zitten niet tv te kijken…shit is going down. Er is iets gaande en je kunt dan beter even checken of er niet nagellak op muren gesmeerd wordt.

Andere volwassenen zijn cruciaal!

Het liefste andere moeders om flink bij te klagen over je eigen kinderen. Ik snap hoe wonderlijk deze zin klinkt maar het is echt heel fijn. Dan laat je alles even los. Zoek op youtube maar eens “mom rant” op. You will get my point.

Soms zijn juist de volwassenen zonder kinderen heerlijk om even NIET bezig te zijn als moeder en niets te horen over kinderen. Drankje erbij en babbelen over boeken, films of andere onzin.

Je gaat fouten maken

Je gaat fouten maken en daar zul je van groeien. Ik heb zo waanzinnig veel fouten gemaakt en ik zal altijd fouten blijven maken. Daarvoor ben je mens. Beter zelfs, je leert ervan. Zo leerde ik eens:

  • Dat ik nooit als eerste op een liftknopje moet drukken bij een peuter.
  •  Dat kinderen en soducreme een drama zijn om schoon te maken.
  • Kinderen geven graag zichzelf een nieuw kapsel.
  • Nagellak is magisch maar ook lastig uit spullen te krijgen.
  • Wentelteefjes met suiker is geen geschikte optie voor avondeten.

Iedereen is alles kwijt

Voor mij een lastige want ik ben zelf al een chaoot, I embrace this. Kinderen zijn nog erger. Het mooiste is dat het bijna ALTIJD in de ochtend gebeurd voordat de kleintjes naar school moeten.

  • Sleutels van de fiets, poef weg. “Hang ze dan ook op het sleutelhoudertje!”
  • Sokken verdwijnen magisch elke dag. “Mooi, dan maar 2 verschillende”
  • Schoenen? “Hoe dan? We hebben een schoenenrek”
  • Handschoenen. “Liggen ze weer eens op school?”

Iedereen weet het beter.

Maar dan ook echt iedereen. Het meest opmerkelijk vind ik de mensen zonder kinderen die uiteraard jouw precies kunnen vertellen hoe het moet. Nog mooier is het “ongevraagd advies” De beste stuurlui staan aan wal.

Er bestaat geen handleiding en al zou hij er wel zijn is ieder kind anders en werkt de praktijk altijd anders dan de theorie. Ik heb gewerkt met allerlei kinderen en toch zijn die van mij weer compleet anders.

Mijn ene kind troost ik anders dan de andere, de jongste wil een slokje water voor het slapengaan en dat het donker is. De oudste wil een nachtlampje en geen pyama. De jongste kleed zich in haar eentje om en je mag geen bloot enkeltje zien en mijn oudste rent het liefste de hele dag in haar onderbroek. Mijn kinderen zijn dag en nacht.

En toch zal altijd iemand beter weten hoe jij je kinderen moet behandelen en opvoeden, en dit met je delen.

Houdt altijd in je hoofd dat jouw moederinstict het beste is. Doe wat je gevoel je ingeeft, die heb je gekregen van de natuur, gebruik het. 

Als ik het niet weet en ik kom naar je toe voor advies then please do tell, vertel mij alles op dat moment. Vraag ik er niet om; verwacht dan niet dat ik jouw ongevraagde advies opvolg.

 

Je zult het nooit goed genoeg doen of iedereen blij kunnen maken.

Ik kan je niet vertellen wat voor een onzin ik wel eens heb moeten horen over mijn moederschap, wat ik fout doe en wat ik “überhaupt” eigenlijk allemaal doe als moeder.

De perfecte moeder bestaat niet omdat deze voor iedereen anders is.

Nog even los daarvan zijn je kinderen ook niet altijd blij met je. Het ene moment ben je de beste moeder van de wereld en als ze boos zijn dan ben je een “rotmama” “waarom ben ik jouw kind?” “Jij bent stom!” en stampen ze weg.

Ik kan niet wachten op de puberteit, benieuwd wat er dan gebeuren gaat. Ik ga uit van een soort van Hunger Games op dit moment zodat het alleen maar kan meevallen.

Er zijn te weinig uren in de dag.

Ik krijg het vaak niet voor elkaar. Ik heb mijn rommellades als ik makkelijk wil zijn met opruimen. Makkelijk eten altijd in de voorraadkast en diverse gerechten die ik met 15 minuten kan maken. Soms val ik wel eens in slaap op de bank puur omdat ik alles probeer te doen. Kinderen, werk, huis en ontspanning.

Andere momenten is het zo half 1 ’s nachts of later omdat ik druk alles nog wil doen en ik te laat koffie heb gedronken waardoor ik geen uit knop meer heb. Raad eens wie er in staat is om ’s nachts nog eens de was op te vouwen en af te wassen.

Privacy bestaat niet meer. 

It is gone… Zodra ze lopen kun jij niet meer rustig plassen zonder dat de deur opengaat en er gevraagd wordt wat je aan het doen bent. De douche gaat aan en voordat je het door hebt schiet er een lemming bij.

Of je staat te douchen en hoort op de achtergrond je kinderen oefenen voor de Hunger Games in hun puberteit. Raad eens wie er dan uit mag om ze uit elkaar te trekken?

Je hebt jezelf nog nooit zo geschaamd als met kinderen.

Om dingen die de kinderen zeggen en doen in sociale situaties.

Sta je in de lift in zomer. Je bent de hele zomer je kinderen al aan het insmeren met zonnebrand crème en waarschuwt voor de gevolgen van verbranden. Stapt er een gekleurd iemand in met haar dochter (volgens mij komt de beste buurvrouw oorspronkelijk uit Nigeria) “Nou mam zullen wij de buurvrouw ook maar wat zonnebrand geven want ze is al helemaal verbrand.” 

MOOI!

Een ongelukkige dame die een duidelijk zichtbare wrat op de kin heeft waar ook nog eens een redelijk lange haar uitsteekt. De jongste kijkt en pakt mijn arm, kijkt de vrouw aan en fluistert net even te hard  “Je zei dat heksen niet bestaan mama”

MOOI!

Soms ga je er doorheen zitten

Dan is de wereld kut en ben je boos en verdrietig omdat niets wil, alles mis gaat en je jezelf ziet als slechte ouder. Dat is natuurlijk, dat mag. Is cool.

Ik kan je alleen vertellen dat je echt wel een goede ouder bent zolang je altijd je best probeert te doen voor je kinderen. Meer dan je best kun je niet doen. Niemand is perfect. Zie bovenstaande items. Fouten horen erbij, fouten maken mag.

Je MOET aan jezelf blijven denken

Dit is net als met de noodinstructies bij het vliegtuig. Eerst jezelf redden voordat je de kinderen helpt want anders hebben ze niets aan je. Zo werkt het moederschap idem. Ontspan. Vind iets waarin je even je eigen ding kunt doen.

Ik vind het heerlijk om in de avond als er rust is met een glas drank op de bank te ontspannen. Film, serie, een boek, even schrijven met muziek op, een game en tegenwoordig zelfs breien. Gewoon een moment voor jezelf nemen, dat je de volgende dag alles weer aan kan.

Er zit niet voor niets het woord “Ouder” in ouderschap. Je gaat zelfs saaie dingen leuk vinden in je vrije tijd. Zolang er maar rust is.

Geloof mij, de was ligt er morgen ook nog. De stof dwarrelt toch elke dag opnieuw en die afwas zou eventueel ook een uurtje later kunnen.

Ik heb soms een weekend de kinderen niet (dat is zeker het voordeel van mijn situatie) en dan ben ik ook meteen weg. Ik trek erop uit, verken de wereld en geniet. Soms doe ik dan een super lui weekend in bed.  Ik houd nog net zoveel van mijn mini mensjes maar het is heerlijk dat ik zo even kan bijtanken na een drukke week. Want ik houd ook best van slapen. Noem het maar mijn “feestweekend”

Kinderen doen niet aan emmertjes.

Die druppel die de emmer doet overlopen? Ja kinderen komen met glazen vol water tegelijk aanzetten. Elke dag moet je opnieuw pakken. Kinderen koesteren geen wrok en zijn in basic nature vergevinsgezind en vergeten alles snel.

De volgende dag kun jij nog boos zijn om een voorval van de dag ervoor maar je kind is daar al lang niet meer mee bezig. Elke avond als je onspant laat het emmertje leeglopen en begin de volgende dag opnieuw.

Het is gebeurd, let it go. Cést ca.

Alles komt echt goed!

Soms is het zwaar en soms het mooiste wat er bestaat.  Zolang je alles geeft wat je kunt geven, altijd het beste met ze voorhebt en iedere dag er positief in gaat kom je er wel. Go easy on yourself.

En hoe idioot en achterlijk het klinkt, alles is het waard. Kinderen zijn het mooiste wat er is in de wereld. En ik ben helemaal gek op die lemmings.

You are awesome, I am awesome, the kids are awesome. Opvoeden zelf is gewoon een onmogelijke taak.

Tova Leigh. Ik zou zeker even kijken op haar channel als je dit herkent en rants van een moeder wilt horen.

Ik weet dat het lang was, als je dit leest en het hebt overleefd. Kudos. Wie weet komt er ooit een deel twee want er is nog veel meer. 

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